Let’s face it, the XFL has as much to do with football – or real sports – as, well, the WWF.
America’s scribes have weighed in heavily against the XFL, comparing and contrasting the fledgling league’s attempt at football with the pinpoint execution and superior athleticism of a NFL contest. Even the skills displayed in a Cardinals-Bengals game.
But I thought it would be interesting to compare and contrast the XFL as football with some of the prevailing myths surrounding the tire business. One is very believable, the other a series of unfortunate misnomers. You make the call.
Keep in mind: If you can’t laugh at yourself, well, just who can you laugh at? Oh yeah – the XFL.
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Facts of the XFL as Football |
Myths of the Tire Business |
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Scantily clad, medically endowed cheerleaders entertain paying customers with their shocking display of cleavage. |
Donut endowed tirebuster shocks the paying customers by displaying a little too much cleavage while bending over. |
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Vince McMahon plans to leave his multi-billion dollar WWF/XFL empire to his kids when he dies. |
Tire dealers hope there’s something left to leave their kids after the government gets done. |
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After scoring, teams break into wild dances reminiscent of spastic bacteria in a petri dish. |
Front counter, covered in coffee rings and donut crumbs, is a petri dish. |
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XFL teams made up of ex-roofers, school teachers, waiters, etc. |
Tire shops made up of ex-roofers, school teachers, waiters, etc. |
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XFL blimp crashes in Oakland – many consider it a bad omen. |
Famed tire blimps®€ƒah, never mind. |
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Beer cranked crowd gets worked into a frenzy, screaming wildly at everyone in sight and generally making idiots of themselves. |
Sugar cranked kids get worked into a frenzy, screaming wildly at each other and running rampant through the shop, making mom feel like an idiot. |
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Real football fans go into a bad-football-induced coma somewhere after the first series of downs. |
Customers go into a long-wait-induced coma somewhere after the first half hour. |
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XFL players get to choose their own nicknames – like "He Hate Me" and "Baby Boy" – to put on their jerseys. |
Tirebusters get to choose between "Junior" and "Bubba" to put on their uniforms. |
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Quarterback’s signals broadcast throughout stadium so everyone can hear the play and the snap count. Defense very happy. |
Dealership manager screams across the store: "Hey, did you put the lug nuts back on that car?" Customers very worried. |
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Jesse Ventura takes part-time gig as XFL announcer – proving nuts don’t fall too far from the tree. |
Kind-hearted Minnesota tire dealers hope audition goes well for Ventura so he’ll have a job once the nut gets voted out of office. |
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Many XFL players still think they have a shot at playing in the NFL. |
Many dealers still think they have a shot at getting their backordered tires. |
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NBC installs five-second broadcast delay in hopes of keeping cuss words off TV – plan fails miserably. |
No five-second delay involved when technician whacks hand with wrench. |
