I won the Australian Lotto. Probably 25 times in the past month, I’ll betcha. And, I’m already wealthy beyond compare, thanks to my winnings from the Spanish National Lottery, the European Lottery and my new best friend, the ex-prince of Nigeria. All I need to do is click my mouse and collect my boodle.

How do I know this? My e-mail told me so.

Thanks to a seemingly endless supply of Viagra and Celebrex, I sit here rather uncomfortably. But I hardly notice, what with my equally unlimited cache of Valium and Vicoden. Love those Canadian pharmacies.

What I could really use, though, is a couple of cases of antidepressants and barbiturates. Oh, here they are! Just needed to scroll down.

E-mail makes me so happy. Then sad. Then happy again!

Says here I could be “fully functional” and get plenty of dates from “local women.” Unfortunately, I’m really just too busy riding the bull market and playing the penny stocks. It is the fastest way to unlimited wealth. I mean, next to all those lotteries I won.

Just a few weeks ago, various politicians were begging for my endorsement. I really didn’t know too many of them, but my e-mail told me that they are “right for America.”

I know, too, that God is angry with America. Really, really angry. Apparently, his e-mails say, we just aren’t doing enough to support the government and its anointed mission to bring democracy to the world. Wow! I guess we are a country of slackers and laggards.

My ever-vigilant e-mail system keeps me up to date on all the latest news, you know. For instance, I got a whole thing about this winter’s blockbuster movies, and another with updates on my favorite celebrities. Golly, that Paris Hilton really cracks me up!

Oh, and then there’s all this really important-looking news about how screwed up the Democrats and Republicans are and how the liberal media is twisting everything around so that we never know what’s right and what’s not. Well, I do, because my trusty e-mail tells me what to think.

Skyrocketing fuel costs could be quashed, according to this one e-mail I got. Another guy has the answer for securing our borders. I wonder if he’s the same guy who can get me “OEM software” for less?

What really confuses me is how many e-mails I get for other people. My name isn’t Desmond or Annabelle or Christopher. Either a bunch of folks aren’t getting their messages or I’ve taken way too many “special pills.”

Hey, I’m not bragging or anything, but my personal credit (Wonder why they spelled it “crebdit?”) is quite good. So many companies want to lend me money! I can literally pick and choose a lender for a new $600,000 mortgage right now. To top that off, my payment would only be $150 a month! Damn, I already have all this money, though, so I don’t care about that. In fact, I can give the money away to “Redd Cross” or “Huriccane Relief” or all the other charities I get so many e-mails from. Then, I can take advantage of those fabulously low interest rates and get the house of my “dreamz.”

All of this e-mail stuff just takes so much time. I had to let many great opportunities slip by – like all those free $500 gift cards and “gianormous”-sized “plazma” TVs and special discounts and ways to lose my spare tire.

Bet you didn’t know I had friends in very high places. Princes, general secretaries, even some deposed leaders have written me personally asking for my help. All I need to do is send them some money and they will send me even more money. Gosh, why do I bother with this magazine job?

And, you should see all the friends I have out there trying to keep me from losing money. eBay and PayPal are constantly informing me that some malicious people are trying to rob me blind. Dozens of banks considerately send me notes when someone tries to break into my personal information and make off with my newfound billions. And, I don’t even have an account with them! E-mail is like this enormous invisible security system for your life!

Check this out: Have you seen those pictures of Britney Spears? Can you believe she can get away with dressing like that? And, look at how slutty Jennifer Aniston looks in these pictures. No wonder that “Friends” show got canceled.

Whoa! What’s this? A new e-mail about a road-rage study names the most and least courteous cities in America. The nicest drivers, the study says, are all in Minneapolis, Nashville, St. Louis, Seattle and Atlanta. I lived in Nashville, and I can tell you that’s just wrong. And Atlanta? Have you seen those people drive?!?!? And, doesn’t all that constant rain make folks in Seattle want to go all bell tower behind the wheel?

Oh, well. I guess every e-mail isn’t always 100% true. Hey, wait a minute! What’s wrong with my comput…