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Editor's Notebook

April Foolishness

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The problem with having a regular column is that people expect you to write some-

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thing profound. To wax philosophic on the state of things or a subject of import. And to use big words like "philosophic."

Truth is, it’s hard to organize 800 perfectly chosen words into coherent thought. After the last few months, I’m pretty waxed out. It’s time for a breather. Besides, given the current state of affairs, a little levity is in order.

So here’s a little April Foolishness.

Life’s Little Truisms

1) He who laughs last thinks slowest.

2) Those who easily get lost in thought may be in unfamiliar territory.

3) Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

4) The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

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5) If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, some idiot would try and pass them.

6) The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

7) When you go into court, you are in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

8) Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

9) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.

10) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

11) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

12) With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone.

Some Expert

As all the consumer panic set in shortly after the first Firestone recall, the Akron Beacon Journal saw fit to interview a "tire expert." This so-called expert has made a nice living as a plaintiff witness in many tire-related liability suits. I won’t use his name, but certainly not to embarrass him. He did just fine all by himself. To wit:

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• "Uneven treadwear on steel-belted radials should raise a red flag to anyone riding on those particular types of tires. If you see faster wear coming in from the shoulder line of a tire across the surface of the tread, that’s a sign that the steel belt cord has loosened and is in danger of separation."

• Motorists should pay particular attention to the age of their tires. He said tires five or more years old are more likely to fail than newer tires ®€ƒ "However, if there is a defect in a tire, its life is much shorter."

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• "Never, ever repair a steel-belted radial." He said "repairing a steel-belted tire compromises its integrity."

• Likewise, he warned about riding on a steel-belted spare tire. "Because those tires are stored inflated, the life of the tire is shortened significantly."

I’m glad he works for the other side!

Development of Group Attitude

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Hang a banana on a string inside the cage, and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with ice cold water.

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After a while, another monkey will make an attempt. Again, spray the others with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put away the water.

Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one.

The new monkey will see the banana and want to climb the stairs. To its surprise, all of the other monkeys will attack him. After another attempt and attack, it knows that if it tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer will go to the stairs and be attacked. And the previous newcomer will take part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

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Continue to replace the original monkeys with new ones. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, it will be attacked.

The monkeys that are beating the new monkey have no idea why they aren’t permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are beating the newest monkey. And keep in mind that after replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water.

Nevertheless, no monkey will ever again approach the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know "that’s the way it’s always been done around here."

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