“Is something wrong, Tooner? You’re walking kinda funny.” Tooner scowled as he limped by.
“Ain’t nothin’ wrong – just a rock in my boot…or somethin’…” He made his way painfully out to the service bays without another word, so I turned to Basil for an explanation. He usually has a better idea of what’s really going on.
Basil smiled. “What Tooner doesn’t want to tell you is that he went horseback riding on the weekend, something he hasn’t done for 20 years.”
“Horseback riding?” Beanie looked up from his cellphone. “Hey, I remember now. Didn’t Tooner say he grew up on a ranch.”
Basil opened up the morning paper and found the crossword puzzle. “Yes, but that was a long time ago. To hear him tell it, he was roping cows long before you were a gleam in your mother’s eye.”
Beanie went back to his texting. “Huh. Probably thought he could just climb on up and ride like he used to.”
“Apparently so.” Basil wrote in the answer for 32 Across – ‘Foolhardy.’
“And I suspect that this morning he’s feeling a little chaffed in the skivvies.” He looked at us over the top of his reading glasses. “Probably best if we don’t mention it.
Well, that wasn’t going to happen. I guess you could say we ‘rode him hard’ all morning. How could we resist?
“Hey, Toon, could you round up that Mustang outside and bring it in? I hear the little filly is hesitating at stop signs!”
“Yo, Tooner, it’s Herkle’s Auto Parts on the phone…they want to know what ‘brand’ of brake rotors you want!”
We were running out of puns by noon, when Texas Todd strode into the shop. Todd was one of them real cowboys, complete with well-worn cowboy boots and a large white Stetson. He’d recently retired from a large cattle ranch out West.
“Howdy, Slim.” Todd smoothed out his handlebar moustache. “Say, I got me a little problem with my ride. Can you fellers fit ‘er in today?”
Out in the parking lot, Dutchy was busy unloading Todd’s 1993 Buick LeSabre from his deck truck. The tired old car looked like it had be ridden hard and put away wet. “Sure thing, Todd. What’s the problem?”
Todd looked around for a spittoon, but settled for my garbage can instead. He wiped a sleeve across his mouth and adjusted his hat.
“Don’t rightly know, Slim. She ran just fine yesterday, but this morning she wouldn’t start. And I can smell lots of gas comin’ from somewhere.”
He handed me a set of keys. “I know she’s gittin’ old, but next to my pickup, she’s my favorite. Got anybody here who knows these old nags?”
I glanced over at Tooner, who was waddling his way towards the lunchroom. “I’ll put my top hand on it right away.”
A little while later, Tooner eased his way slowly into the driver’s seat of Todd’s Buick. “Okay,” he said. “Watch yer knuckles; I’m gonna crank ‘er over.”
Up front, Beanie had removed one of the front spark plugs and had set it on the exhaust manifold. It was still connected to the ignition wire, and his plan was to watch for spark. Which explains why he had his face down close to the spark plug hole when Tooner energized the starter. Raw fuel came squirting out of the cylinder, hitting him square in the face.
“Whoa Nelly, that’s a lot of fuel!” He wiped himself off with a rag. “No wonder old Tex has been smelling gasoline.”
This time he stood to the side as Tooner cranked the engine. “Okay, hold it!” He shook his head. “Lots of gas, but no spark.”
Tooner clambered out of the car and came around for a look. “Good thing, or we’d have a fire goin’ on out here. Say, what’s that noise?” Tooner had left the key on, and when he and Beanie leaned closer to the engine, they could hear the fuel injectors pulsing away, slowly but surely filling up the cylinders with fuel.
“What the…” Tooner turned off the key and went to find the scan tool. “Hey, look at this here data stream,” he said. “It’s reads 625 rpm on the tachometer – and the car ain’t even running!”
Beanie was puzzled. “How is that possible?”
Tooner thought for a moment. “Somehow this varmint thinks it’s gettin’ a crank signal when it ain’t. That’s why it’s pulsin’ the injectors.” He scratched the back of his head. “Wonder if we got ourselves a bum computer.”
Basil moseyed over, swirling some coffee around in his tin cup. “Perhaps. However, if you recall, Texas Todd was in last month with some wiring issues in the engine harness. With a vehicle this old, there might be more. I’d be inclined to check your fence lines, cowpoke. You just might find a few strays.”
Tooner shot him a sideways glance. “I take it you’re talkin’ ‘bout stray voltage, right?
Basil chuckled. “Yup. I think you’ve got ‘chaffing’ problems between some wires – and you of all people know how bothersome that can be.”
Tooner muttered a few unwholesome phrases under his breath, but began tracing wires. It didn’t take long to locate the problem.
When Tooner pulled on the wiring harness from the ignition module, he was able to get the injectors to turn on and off. As he followed the harness downwards, he discovered some melted insulation and found that the two signal wires from the crank sensor were bare and shorting to ground. This created a false rpm signal, which in turn triggered the injectors and the fuel pump.
Texas Todd was mighty pleased when we called him up later to report that his faithful old Buick was back in harness and ready to ride the range.
“Well, I’ll be a mare’s uncle,” he eclaimed, slapping Tooner on the back. “That’s some might fine diagnosin’ there, Tooner. I’m obliged to ya.”
He paused for a moment. “Say, your buddies here tell me you’re pretty handy with a horse. How’s about comin’ over to the farm on Saturday morning? My buddies and I are doing an overnight trail ride up in the hills and there’s room for one more in the posse.” He squinted at Tooner. “Can ya play the harmonica?”
Tooner groaned, but reluctantly agreed to go along. I don’t know about his harmonica skills, but after another day in the saddle, I’m fairly certain he’ll be singing the blues.
Rick Cogbill, a freelance writer and former shop owner in Summerland, B.C., has written The Car Side for a variety of trade magazines for the past 15 years. “A Fine Day for a Drive,” his first book based on the characters from this column, is now available for order at thecarside.com.
